Honesty

It's been over a year since my last blog post, but I'm going to really try to keep up with it this time! :)

I really don't understand what God is doing in my life right now, but I'm so grateful that His mercies never fail. They're also new every morning. 2011 was the roughest year of my life, and I'm still trying to plumb its many mysteries. That's why I'm here. This is processing 101, which, for me, the deep thinker, can take a looooonnnnng time sometimes.

In the year 2011, I came home from college because I couldn't afford to live on campus and couldn't find a job there (especially without a reliable car.) I was homesick for my friends and had one of the worst attitudes on the planet. God had much work to do in my heart and life. I struggled to fit back in with my family. I was looking for a job, and also doing some online classes. But basically, I barricaded myself in my room to do school and didn't really interact with my family. My boyfriend did not help matters. He went to a college far away, and we had several issues. That's an even longer story. . .we'll get to that later.

I finally did get a job after about a month of trying, and God blessed me tremendously. :) Not only do I work at a great place, I also work with some godly, encouraging people. Meanwhile, conflict was still surrounding me on every side. My church was in deep turmoil, struggling with legalism and nursing old wounds from past experiences. My dad is the pastor, so my family was caught in the middle. Each family member handled the conflict differently. I think I just harbored the pain inside and wouldn't really talk to anyone. I just shut everyone out and became depressed even to the point of occasionally being suicidal. But God was working. . .slowly. . .ever so slowly. But nonetheless, sometimes when God takes His time it is because we are the slow ones!

I still had connections at the school I was going to, and was planning to go to Ethiopia for two weeks with a college group. Little did I know how much God was going to use that trip to pull me out of my depression and change me and grow me in so many ways.

Let me fast forward some: It is now May. Many many things have happened. My family began to heal from the many difficult church issues. But my relationship with my boyfriend was so selfish on both our parts. God was about to change that. I ended up making my parents very upset and being confronted with the fact that my boyfriend who was my best friend was not who I thought he was. There was a lot of control in the relationship, and I got hurt a lot. This was one of the many awakenings in my heart to return to a close relationship with God two weeks before I was to go to Ethiopia. The Father lovingly took me aside and began to work. . .then, there was Ethiopia :) So many memories, so little time. I met some beautiful people and children, helped in an orphanage, taught music in the school there, and fell in love. With a country and a people. And I also realized how incredibly selfish I had been. The fight was not over yet. I came home completely different, and I knew the change was going to continue. You see, in America these days we are so caught up in ourselves and our problems that we forget God is in control of all that. And we try to do things our own way. In my case, it ended in my being very depressed and just wanting to die. That's very blunt, but completely true. I'm so thankful God brought me out of that and showed me His wonderful grace and mercy.

When God finally broke through my selfish heart with the light of His truth that I was not living for Him like I should, things began to change drastically. God used Ethiopia and also a very close friend of mine to shatter the wall I had put up. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to pour out my life in thanksgiving to my wonderful Savior. Sunrises and sunsets became beautiful. And grace became beautiful again. This also eventually led to my breaking up with my boyfriend. It was so difficult, but God had to show me no matter how painful, that the relationship was not pleasing to Him and was not meant to be.

Right now I'm still working at the Durham Rescue Mission, which has been an amazing experience so far :) Still doing some online classes, too :) Life is somewhat easier and circumstances have changed. It is still difficult, but I believe Christians should live their lives in radical obedience to Him. Sometimes I remember the hurts so much that I'm just numb. And I need God to come and melt my heart again. I'm a bit numb right now. . .but I know He's not letting go. So I'm not letting go either :) Jesus has given me a reason for living, and a joy that is unspeakable! So that is my story of 2011. I'm done hiding behind a plastic smile. And I’m done holding back from a Savior Who gave everything for me. Hoping to head back to Ethiopia again this summer :) And hopefully back to school. But for now I am content with where God has placed me. It's great to be right in the middle of what God wants for me.

Do you really believe there's a God?

Most of us would say we truly believe there's a God. At least, most of us in America I suppose. Or, we would at least admit there's some sort of something out there bigger than us. If you don't, that's okay. This is just as much for you. My whole reason for asking this question is this: If we truly believe there's a God, where does that leave us? Do we have a responsibility to Him? Do we really understand Him? And if there is a God, what does that mean for us?

I am by no means questioning that there is a God. Just questioning whether we truly believe He is God, and whether we truly believe what He has said to us. Some of you may be thinking: "Sure. I believe there's a God, but what does that have to do with me? As far as I'm concerned, He may have created me, but what next? He's just too big to care about what's going on here on earth. Why is there so much pain and misery in the world? Why all these diseases? Why starvation? Or child abuse? Or AIDS and cancer? If God cared, wouldn't He stop all that? Good question. Would you like to know?

How can a good God allow evil in the world? This question has been tossed around by Christians, religious, and non religious alike. But, I think we're asking the wrong question aren't we? If God is good, and perfect and God...then isn't He the greatest Being in the universe? If He's perfect, then why is there evil? Still not quite the right question. Have you ever wondered if man was the problem? We're the ones who are evil are we not? Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, because of Adam and Eve's disobedience to God in the garden of Eden that most of you have at least heard about whether you believe it is true or not, actually has consequences on ALL of mankind and all creation? Exactly.

Wait...wait just a minute someone says. I'm really not that bad of a person. I mean, by most people's standards, I'm morally upright. I don't lie...well, not that much. I've never stolen anything (well, except my brother's toy when I was maybe 7). I don't look at another man's wife too much. And hey, I've never murdered anyone, right? So, I'm ok! Right? But, if God is the greatest Being out there, and He's perfect. And since He's perfect, He sets the standard for "morally upright" and "good." If He is GOOD, and we're not God...then we're everything He's not. We are not morally upright. We all know lying is wrong. Downright wrong if I lie to you. If you lie to me, you may not think of it that way, but truth actually isn't relative. A lie is a lie. Lust is lust. Oh, and Jesus said that if we hate someone in our heart, we committed that sin in our thoughts, and therefore, it is just as if we murdered that person. Same with anything else. So, if you want God to destroy evil, we're evil. We're evil to the core. He'd have to destroy us, too.

Ok...so we're not all that great, but can't we just try our hardest to be really good and let that be enough? Won't God be happy with us if we're really good? He knows we're not perfect. Hence, technically He should be merciful since He's so great and be ok with us trying our hardest. Right? Well, the fact of the matter is, we can't be good enough. All the world religions except Christianity want you to believe that. Buddhism and Hinduism say if you're good enough in this life, maybe you'll be reincarnated into something good in the next life. Islam: Follow the Qu'ran and Mohammed's teachings as best you can, and you'll get to paradise! Unless of course, Allah decides he just doesn't like you. However follow those guidelines, maybe God will not kill you, and you'll be ok. Roman Catholicism: Go to Mass everyday, attend Communion, confess your sins to the priest, and maybe that's good enough. No one knows for sure. You can't know.

I'm not making fun of all the other world religions, but if you think about it, don't you want to know for sure, if there's a God that He's 1) real 2) He really does care and 3) that my life has meaning with Him. I wanna know that this life is actually worth living, or do I just die and that's it? Christianity happens to be the only religion that gives assurance of going somewhere great when you die. It's the only religion that promises true hope and joy. How? First off, Christianity is not based on being your best and maybe...It's all about God knowing man isn't good and can never hope to please Him on his own. So, what did God do? God, the God of the Bible, is also the God of love and mercy and justice. He couldn't just excuse our sin. Therefore, there had to be a better way. He planned before time began (He can do that. He's God) to come to this earth as a human yet still God, live among men, and later be put to death on a Roman cross to take the punishment for all sin. Dead? No. He rose again after being dead three days (I Cor. 15). In other words, He was human in order to take our place against God's wrath and judgment that He has against sin (He can't tolerate it. He's perfect. He's God. He has to punish evil). Yet, God. He was GOD. aka. Jesus, God's Son, who is God. Because He was and is God, He was able to conquer death and therefore sin. Did I mention He had to be beaten and crucified: nailed to a wooden cross where it's victims die of suffocation for not being able to breath in that position? He had to bleed, and die in order to satisfy God's perfect justice. (Romans 3:23-26)

Ok...and? So God died? and yet, He came back from the dead. What does that mean for us? Now all that's left is to realize our state of sin and rebellion against Him. We don't naturally want Him. Actually, we hate God. We're His enemies before He saves us. He has to save us from ourselves. So let Him won't you? He provided a way of salvation from this messed up world and evil. In the immediate context, if you ask Him to save you from your sins--your evil, yourself--He will. These promises are true. Check out the Gospel of John if you don't believe me. Or Romans. Especially chapter 3,5, and 8. See what He promises when you let Him save you for now and for the future. Ephesians 2:8-9, "For by grace you have been saved through faith [faith that He can save you and will save you from your sins] And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." A good God wants to save you from the evil. Yes, you're responsible to Him...and He wants you to be with Him. He wants you to know Him. He sent His Son to die on a cross, because He loved you and wants to be with you. It's real.

Detour: The Train's Been Derailed. . .

Ever want everything going on in your life to just stop and make sense? Ever wonder how on earth this could be a part of God's plan for your life? Like...how in the world does the Gospel fit in this? It seems like God is taking me down a totally different path and has a totally different plan than He did before. It seems like the train's been derailed. Like God's taking you on a detour to show you something...truth is that's kind of exactly what He's doing. But what He'll show you will change your life. He'll show you something about Him, and He'll show you something about yourself in relation to Him. Well...if you've ever been there, that's where I am right now. How does heartache make sense if there's a good God? If the Gospel is good news how does it fit in your life after salvation? For instance take a look at something I wrote from a situation I was in
recently and tell me where that fits:

My heart's in a mess
All my dreams seem to be ripped to shreds
And yet I must confess
That this mess is my own

Tears flow from my wounded soul
Oh Immanuel can you make me whole?
Guilt drowns out Your love
Like floods of water...am I really loved?
And there was blood shed by the Beloved

My Immanuel
No joy can tell
How glorious You are
Born so You with men could dwell
And yet You came to die?

Heal my wounded soul
Sin drenches me
My heart turns so cold
But holy blood covers me
My Immanuel

Now...does that sound like a child of God who's struggling? That would be because I am. I realize the Gospel is not just something that changes you in a one-time event at salvation. The Gospel keeps changing us...it is our identity. If not, then sometimes we get lost and don't know who we are or question who we are. Or at least, I do. Maybe I'm an abnormal Christian who doubts, and none of the rest of Christians ever do that. :P So, if anyone's interested in the Gospel, and hearing someone who really wants to be changed more and more but yet struggles to believe it. If you're willing to maybe go through some pain of your own to understand that Christ's sacrifice means so much more than a picture of a cross but it means THE CROSS...come along with me, and realize you have a Gospel identity. Christ changes you. Forever.

Your identity is found in something. The age old questions of who am I and why am I here are still being tossed around. But if you really want to know who you are and why you're here, you have to encounter Someone bigger and greater than yourself. You have to realize the answers to these questions are find in a God. The God. Not just a religion. A reality that Jesus Christ, God's Son can change your life forever. Really and truly. And there will be a meaning beyond yourself. Love beyond your wildest dreams. Forgiveness and peace. And the best is yet to come...does that get your attention? Do you want to hear about something other than religion? Maybe honesty about what the Bible is all about? Maybe answers and help for life. It can all be found in a real God and in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Mostly Christians will find this, I suppose. But if you give me a chance, I want to share the amazing message of salvation that has changed my life. And prepare for honesty. I cannot sugar coat anything for you to make it easier. Somethings about ourselves aren't pretty, but if you're willing to be changed forever, it's worth it. There will also be many posts hopefully about doctrine and issues in the church and ministry. The plan is to make this practical, simple, and thought-provoking all at once. Doctrine has depth, and doctrine should change us. Now, I'm not comfortable with modern Christianity in America. Honestly, we've let things slide way too much. I'm not comfortable with the Gospel not changing people,and having lukewarm Christians. That's not what God asked for and not what this world needs. Maybe that means being radical and weird, but the world needs a Savior...not a genie. Not a religion. The world needs Jesus. So let's give them the real Jesus who turned the money changers' tables over and yet healed the blind, the lame, raised the dead...yeah. Let's give them the REAL Gospel. (all fakers stopped reading...all fakers who want to be real, keep going. myself included.) If you want the truth. If you want something real. His name is Jesus. Sorry if that's not what you expected. But He can save you from yourself.