Honesty

It's been over a year since my last blog post, but I'm going to really try to keep up with it this time! :)

I really don't understand what God is doing in my life right now, but I'm so grateful that His mercies never fail. They're also new every morning. 2011 was the roughest year of my life, and I'm still trying to plumb its many mysteries. That's why I'm here. This is processing 101, which, for me, the deep thinker, can take a looooonnnnng time sometimes.

In the year 2011, I came home from college because I couldn't afford to live on campus and couldn't find a job there (especially without a reliable car.) I was homesick for my friends and had one of the worst attitudes on the planet. God had much work to do in my heart and life. I struggled to fit back in with my family. I was looking for a job, and also doing some online classes. But basically, I barricaded myself in my room to do school and didn't really interact with my family. My boyfriend did not help matters. He went to a college far away, and we had several issues. That's an even longer story. . .we'll get to that later.

I finally did get a job after about a month of trying, and God blessed me tremendously. :) Not only do I work at a great place, I also work with some godly, encouraging people. Meanwhile, conflict was still surrounding me on every side. My church was in deep turmoil, struggling with legalism and nursing old wounds from past experiences. My dad is the pastor, so my family was caught in the middle. Each family member handled the conflict differently. I think I just harbored the pain inside and wouldn't really talk to anyone. I just shut everyone out and became depressed even to the point of occasionally being suicidal. But God was working. . .slowly. . .ever so slowly. But nonetheless, sometimes when God takes His time it is because we are the slow ones!

I still had connections at the school I was going to, and was planning to go to Ethiopia for two weeks with a college group. Little did I know how much God was going to use that trip to pull me out of my depression and change me and grow me in so many ways.

Let me fast forward some: It is now May. Many many things have happened. My family began to heal from the many difficult church issues. But my relationship with my boyfriend was so selfish on both our parts. God was about to change that. I ended up making my parents very upset and being confronted with the fact that my boyfriend who was my best friend was not who I thought he was. There was a lot of control in the relationship, and I got hurt a lot. This was one of the many awakenings in my heart to return to a close relationship with God two weeks before I was to go to Ethiopia. The Father lovingly took me aside and began to work. . .then, there was Ethiopia :) So many memories, so little time. I met some beautiful people and children, helped in an orphanage, taught music in the school there, and fell in love. With a country and a people. And I also realized how incredibly selfish I had been. The fight was not over yet. I came home completely different, and I knew the change was going to continue. You see, in America these days we are so caught up in ourselves and our problems that we forget God is in control of all that. And we try to do things our own way. In my case, it ended in my being very depressed and just wanting to die. That's very blunt, but completely true. I'm so thankful God brought me out of that and showed me His wonderful grace and mercy.

When God finally broke through my selfish heart with the light of His truth that I was not living for Him like I should, things began to change drastically. God used Ethiopia and also a very close friend of mine to shatter the wall I had put up. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to pour out my life in thanksgiving to my wonderful Savior. Sunrises and sunsets became beautiful. And grace became beautiful again. This also eventually led to my breaking up with my boyfriend. It was so difficult, but God had to show me no matter how painful, that the relationship was not pleasing to Him and was not meant to be.

Right now I'm still working at the Durham Rescue Mission, which has been an amazing experience so far :) Still doing some online classes, too :) Life is somewhat easier and circumstances have changed. It is still difficult, but I believe Christians should live their lives in radical obedience to Him. Sometimes I remember the hurts so much that I'm just numb. And I need God to come and melt my heart again. I'm a bit numb right now. . .but I know He's not letting go. So I'm not letting go either :) Jesus has given me a reason for living, and a joy that is unspeakable! So that is my story of 2011. I'm done hiding behind a plastic smile. And I’m done holding back from a Savior Who gave everything for me. Hoping to head back to Ethiopia again this summer :) And hopefully back to school. But for now I am content with where God has placed me. It's great to be right in the middle of what God wants for me.